Lack of Motivation, Skills and Understanding...

Another Tuesday. Stayed up too late finishing a story last night, so I decided to sleep til 9am and skip my first class, too bad I moved so slow when I finally was ready to go anywhere I never would have made it to my 11 o'clock class... So i sat here, sent off some work and then went to lunch, forced myself to sit through my two hour lecture which is a serious feat because the class makes me want to scream from the lack of common sense in that room, it's like these people haven't been through high school english classes - let alone their required college intro classes... makes me wonder who passed them through to the the program... but I digress...I did write a story I'm pretty proud of, hopefully my prof thinks it's as kickin' as I do.

Ended up with the Blackberry Tour, so far, pretty cool. Loving saving time not having to run home for stuff or stalk a computer in the libs (which i hateeeeeee, im overwhelmed in that place, so many people in a place that's supposed to be so serene...)

Been thinking a million things lately, trying to plan semi-long term but I find I get ahead of myself (future tripping, once again) so for now I'm trying to keep myself in the here and now. After fighting with panic and anxiety for so long and overcoming it to a certain degree, I'm slowly returning to the person I used to be. I'm learning to step back out, heck, I took a road trip this weekend and I didn't do any of the driving (and if you have been with me through the past two years you know this is a MAJOR accomplishment in daily life for me). It feels good to live again, not just go through motions, but to have my eyes open to possibilities, people and potential motions towards the future. I still don't know where I want to end up, I don't know how I'll get to that point or any other further place, and I absolutely still don't understand why the past few years have been so much tougher than I ever anticipated... but despite that, I have learned few things about myself that I may not have realized before:

1. I have grown, I have changed, I have seen who I am - good, bad and ugly- and I've accepted it.

2.I am significantly stronger emotionally than I ever gave myself credit for.

3. God has rocked my world, and while I'm still fighting daily to commit every moment to what he is doing and how he wants to use me, I find myself happier, more gentle and more at peace with all the things amiss in my life these days. Being content is rare and it's a precious feeling.

4. Returning to my passions for reading and writing has awakened me again and reignited the fire that makes me who I am... I read "Wilderness Survival Skills for Women" this winter (ladies, it's a must read, you'll laugh and cry and come out of it refreshed and renewed) and it started me on the path to living again, God works in funny ways and he used my passions to show me how to get back on my feet and fight... and for that I am grateful.

5. Sometimes you have to be humbled and completely stripped of everything that makes you feel safe and sure to truly find yourself. It's a little cliche, it's a little silly to say because we've heard it all before, but it is a critical moment of truth when you're laying in the dirt of rock bottom, with scraped knees, a broken heart and tears streaming down your face unable to help yourself. When you cannot be any lower, when you cannot possibly feel more lonely and lacking - in that moment - that one moment where you summon the mere ounce of breath you have left and cry out for help - in that last moment of effort- that is when everything changes. That's where I found myself, and while it's terrifying to plunge into the unknown,I wouldn't change things.

I may still have band aids on my bloody knees, mascara on my cheeks and duct tape holding my heart together, I may not know much in my humanity, but I do know one thing for certain - I am in the palm of the hand of the Lord and there is no place I'd rather be <3

"love has come, and it's given me hope to carry on..."